122. Ellie Roozdar, 2nd Interview

Ellie RoozdarThis is my second interview with Ellie. You might want to listen to the first one before listening to this one.

Ellie is a happily married woman for 29 years. She has been blessed, with two beautiful children—a lovely daughter and a sweet son.

She has graduated from SUNY at Stony Brook and has been teaching mathematics in high school and community colleges. After changing her career, she worked in Information Technology as a Quality Assurance Manage for many years.

Since childhood, she was seeing herself as a vision, which was not associated with the body at all. The question was arising, “Who am I?” This was never answered and it was there in her heart for a long time…
Since the year 2001, she has been inspired:

  1. To get to know who she is
  2. To find what she is searching for

For the past few years, she has had wonderful experiences by “going within,” meditating and discovering the Truth. The Truth reveals itself to itself by itself.
She would like to share these experiences with you.
She hopes that by reading her story, you also get inspired to “go within” and “discover” who you really are, and also find the authentic joy that resides within.

This is simply a discovery, not to become anyone or anything. Remember: Joy is already there, it just needs to be uncovered.
We learn to go within and to be a witness of the “nothingness.” It may be frightening at the beginning. All our life we want to be somebody and add something to ourselves and now we will face “nothingness.”
She wishes you all patience and the best of luck on this path. Please know that this is the best thing and the most important thing that you can do for yourself.

You will be happy that you took time and discover your True Self.

Love and light!

The Skype sessions that I arrange with the seeker, if they are ready is as following:

“Walking meditation” is a Guided meditation, by closing the eyes and  have this journey within. Symbolically, hand in hand  walking together, to recognize and identify the Truthdirectly. The one and only Truth that which the silence/stillness is pointing to. The Truth that has been overlooked all along, will be recognized by itself. This is awakening.

Ellie’s website

Interview recorded 5/12/2012

Dear Friends;

Due to the high demands of the people that I have contacted through Skype interview/walking meditation; I will be having a two day Ultimate Truth  retreat by November 8th & 9th 2012 here in my home town Long Island New York.
Please refer to my website: www.meditationerfan.com and on the “Event” category, see the complete detail.

Please inform me by no later than Friday October 12th 2012 via e-mail. It will be Free of Charge and open based on first come first served. The seats are limited.



Video and audio below. Audio also available as a Podcast.

74 thoughts on “122. Ellie Roozdar, 2nd Interview

  1. Love what you said here Leelaji…’that it’s not the ego mind that is vigilant, but Existence Itself!’ Perfect..

    To answer your query about whether one re-identifies with the finger after the ball has been dropped, I would have to say I agree with Ellie there -and say no…The death of the self is the death of the self…

    What I think you’re referring to, are momentary contractions of Awareness that can happen if the experience is somewhat new or some nagging doubt remains – quite common – but if we just stop and check within – we see that there is nothing for the arising emotion or story to cling to..no finger identity to identify with…as all is just vast empty space..

    At some point, we don’t even think about whether we’re contracting or expanding or identifying – it’s all a seamless living of It…as even the witnessing awareness dissolves into the Absolute and loses it’s watchdog function..

    You sound wonderful and I have your e-mail – so will get back to you later in the day about meeting for tea in the City….

  2. That is so interesting what you said Jill….

    Looking at this phenomenon of momentary identification with the finger character with the perspective you just shared, I have to say that although there are times when an old story seems to be believed for a moment, I can’t say that they are actually attached to a separate character…..there is really just a story arising that is believed momentarily and then as soon as it is seen for what it really is- there is absolutely no reality to it and just space. I attributed much more power to the arising that it actually had! Fascinating. I guess I am still on training wheels….. : )

  3. Leelaji –
    Well we’re all on training wheels supporting each other in our inquiry into what is true..
    I’m glad that you quickly grasped the subtle distinction that needs to be made by an awakened one between story arising and the idea of a me character reappearing – so as not to foster doubt about the truth of our experience..
    An honest gaze within, which you obviously have, will always confirm our true identity…

  4. Lovely, Leelaji & Jill. I’ll go with Jill’s momentary contraction. Self is like teflon – the story can’t stick…but the memory of believing the story that can surface during a contraction – now that is the most terrifying thing there is.

    Peace to you both…and someday we’ll all go out for bagels.

  5. Great dialogue, Jill and Leelaji. This clears some things up for me. I am noticing more and more that the old stories have little power to “stick” any longer. I keep thinking that to be free means that nothing comes up any more. But the mind is still the mind, and stuff will continue to pass through. It just loses it’s power to bind.
    I too would love to join the tea party, but am in L.A. I feel your energy and am enjoying it.

  6. After trying to understand and follow some of the recent comments, I initially thought I was confused. But I contemplated and also I went back and studied both of Ellie’s interviews, and saw that she made similar observations. So I don’t feel as crazy anymore.

    I will try to point out some of the differences:

    Resting and surrendering are still both techniques that are trying to maintain a particular state or experience. How is that Freedom?

    Even if you are able to make spiritual practices and techniques an automatic, natural, and effortless habit. That’s still a potentially never ending job of becoming.
    It’s not about BECOMING more spiritual, acting like an awakened person, it’s well beyond mind control. It’s more about truly realizing that the mind is not in control, that what You think you are, is not in control. That You is truly and utterly helpless.

    Or maybe Ellie phrased it better by saying it’s about DYING, she mentions it several times in both interviews. Ending the 2nd interview with this Rumi quote “Our path is the path of love and death. If you can DIE, come. Otherwise go.”

    Below is a link to Ellie’s first interview, afterwards I have transcribed 2 sections where I think she goes into good detail about these differences. The whole interview is worth reviewing and studying.

    @ 1:00:30
    One day, I remember, I just said: “I just don’t know!” I know ‘this mind’ came to it’s knees, it was just so surrendered, so humbled, so humbled!
    I can not tell you how much it was, I was in tears!

    I don’t know what this thing is, intellectually, But I just know it, I know it so much, this is the only REAL thing existing. The most powerful thing.

    *** And you can tell, This mind was constantly trying to become, to become, to become even aware of the truth. ***
    You see, That’s the tail end of the mind, you really have to Watch it. Who wants to be one with this? Who is that ME that wants to be one with this? Is that ME authentic? That ME, You have to WATCH it, Very Carefully!

    Because this awakening happened from within, not something that somebody can point out to me. This was so deep inside, came out very powerfully, all the time.
    After that. There was absolutely nothing to try, nothing to become, nothing to understand.. I was so at peace, this mind was free.

    *** This mind is FREE from BECOMING! Finally! At last. I was becoming all my life! ***

    Even in the path of spirituality. I was becoming: so kind, so loving! Let’s have some unconditional love for everybody.
    The mind was trying to be non-judgemental. These are the things that mind is trying to become. But you can not be non-judgemental if you see yourself as a separate sense of self. Because you automatically see yourself as duality. When you see duality, the judgement is
    going to be there. So no matter how much you try, you get frustrated. That’s why the mind is so frustrated. It thinks, I have to be good, nonjudgemental.

    **** None of that is true! None of that is true! ***

    Because once you realize the Truth as the Truth.
    Every thought is more than welcome here. There is no such thing, as this thought is not supposed to be here.

    *** I was policing. My mind was policing!! ***

    Any idea, any emotion, is welcome! The sadness arises once you know who you are. The same thing with the body, the body can get sick.
    *** If you know who you are. ***
    You tolerate your pain, any disease or sickness in the body, very consciousnessly, very aware.

    It’s so relaxed! No more: This is good or bad. How do I feel?
    *** This has NOTHING to do with feeling.. ***
    What you are, is completely beyond feeling!! … BUT.. You have to know who you are, and claim it.

    That’s the END of the path. When there is NO more Becoming.

    People are mistaking the actual truth with the silence. The silence of being, that emptiness, is the SHADOW of the truth, it is NOT the truth.

    Because the truth is observing that, it can Not be That. The Truth is what is observing THAT.

    This is very, very delicate.

    People think (I get this all the time.) “I know I’m consciousness, BUT when I go talk to people, I lose myself, and now I have to come back to tap in.”

    You don’t know the truth! You don’t know the truth!

    *** The truth is NOT any STATE, Any Specific state of mind! ***

    People think that when I come to the present and the silence, that is the truth.
    That is the REFLECTION of the Truth!
    That is the Aroma that arises from the truth,
    BUT that is NOT the Truth.

    Truth is Always Here whether there is a mind or no mind!
    Mind can come and go. Emotion can come and go. This does NOT come and go. It’s always here, ever present.

    That is a very important thing!
    *** There is no such thing as I go and forgot who I am and I come back. ***
    You don’t know who you are!


  7. Valentino – just to clarify –
    Teachers speak to the level of experience of the questioner..and we are in agreement that awakening is not enlightenment..

    For enlightenment to be fully embodied- and an unwavering Silence to be known – there has to be a death of the ego/mind/will – but this doesn’t happen overnight for most people..It didn’t for me or for Ellie or for almost any teacher I know of..We all spent much time sincerely looking within and gaining clarity on the experience of emptiness – till Grace intervened, and it no longer came and went..

    In actuality – who we are never comes and goes, but our attention does waver or stories can and do arise in the early stages – and we can have very sincere awakening experiences and still have some lingering doubt – so pointing one back to what is real is important..We always want to be tender with the experience…

    It is true that after the final death blow has sounded, and we pass through the Void of Voids – there is no more doubt or any idea of coming and going and no one even there to witness it or give a damn – but it’s a process for most, and we want to acknowledge that..

  8. Hi Valentino,

    you know it’s ok that we don’t seem to find a common ground….. I am also the first to admit that I am not the greatest with articulating this whole thing…. In my experience there is no coming and going…and at the same time there is more and more dropping away….i don’t know what that means or where “I” am at….and honestly, I don’t care. Just taking it one moment at a time….. I don’t feel that I am on any journey to become anything….it’s the opposite…….in the end it doesn’t matter…..but LOVE IS ALIVE HERE…that’s all that is known…..

  9. All this talk of emptiness and the void makes me a bit uneasy. There is a hint at some kind of dis-connection in those terms. That is not what I want. I am seeking Light, Love, Compassion, warmth, comfort and above all a connection and oneness with all living things.
    If emptiness is what awaits, then I have just wasted 36 years… that being said, I don’t really believe that emptiness is the highest level of awareness, maybe just a way-station.
    Or am I mis-interpreting some of the above comments?

  10. Laurence –
    Not to worry – and of course emptiness is not the end state, but when people first awaken they do come to experience themselves as vast empty space…..They disidentify with the personal ME and gain identity with something greater – and more expansive..This emptiness can sometimes be misinterpreted as something flat or dull..and disappointing..
    but this is merely a stage in the natural dissolution process..a milestone to be sure…but not the totality of being…

    Acceptance of this emptiness as a milestone in one’s evolution and having gratitude for it – honoring it – is the best way to seduce it into showing us it’s true face and making it dance..

    Before this vast emptiness is recognized as pure unconditional love, this dissolution of the self – this emptying out of who we thought we were- must take place and it is often misunderstood..

    When Mother Teresa (according to her letters to her bishop) first encountered herself as emptiness, she was distraught…and bemoaned it – thought she had gone astray..She was expecting her God of Light and Love to appear..She didn’t know that the emptiness was Him in disguise…and died without finding what she desired..

    Our expectations of the spiritual journey sometimes conveniently leave out part of the necessary process of evolution..We want the light handed to us on a silver latter and are not usually willing to go through the darkness (the void) to see it..No one becomes a butterfly overnight…

    Who we truly are, as Neelam says, is space and tenderness at our core…They are one and the same, but it takes some time to come to that realization and fully embody all that it is….

  11. Jill – Thank you for this lovely and inspirational response – and just for the record, I was not trying to take issue with any of your former postings.
    All that you say about the feelings of emptiness that arise as the ego dissolves are in line with my experience also. What I find is that for me , the stages of awakening are not always clear cut or exactly sequential. There seems to be an ongoing carnival of different experiences, ranging from a few hours or so spent in the “wasteland,” to stability and centeredness, to the ecstatic inner Divine Presence, then maybe a brief go-round with irritability or impatience, and then back round again. These cycles run regularly, and as they continue, the “down cycles” seem to be losing steam and whatever negative thoughts occasionally pop up no longer cling for very long, i.e. sometimes only a few seconds.
    So yes, as many here point out, the awakening process happens differently for everybody. It seems like a journey, but is really just a falling away, until all that remains is Love and “fullness of being”(Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.)
    I also very much like what you say about honoring each experience or stage, and greeting them with a welcoming sense of gratitude.
    So anyway, yes, yes, and yes! Love, Grace, Fulfillment.
    How beautiful that is.

  12. Beautifully stated Laurence..and thank you for sharing yourself so honestly…that’s what people benefit from..that’s what satsang is..sitting in the presence of our own Truth…
    We hopefully leave the abstractions behind when we go on the final leg of the journey..and speak straight from the heart..
    yes yes – a falling away of everything that isn’t true -letting it all go – which some describe as the great unburdening of self -beautiful –
    and the more we can surrender and ride the waves between rest and restlessness – the more we are grateful for all that arises – knowing God is contained in the blocks as well as the bliss – the deeper the Love and the greater the freedom in the end..
    Love to you..

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